Today I got an e-mail from my friends over at PerpetualKid.com. Well, “friends” is a liberal term; I bought some crap from them at some point (possibly while drunk, or at least buzzed) and apparently gave them permission to beg me to buy more crap from them in the future. I doubt they’re concerned about how my divorce is turning out (fine, thanks) or are planning to invite me to their son’s wedding (I wouldn’t go anyway, so there). I wouldn’t add them on Facebook since I’ve never met them in real life or on a Twilight blog. They aren’t my friends, is what I’m saying.
I feel like this has gotten off to a defensive and weird start. The marketing department at PerpetualKid.com has me on a list to which they sent a mass e-mail about their new product, THE WORLD’S LARGEST GUMMY BEAR. I’m not yelling, they just caps-locked it right through their product description. I understand why, though. Check this bastard out:
Five pounds. Bigger than a football. I've given birth to smaller things than this.
I read the e-mail three times. Who would buy this thing? I’m going to go ahead and make the assumption that anyone with thirty spare bucks laying around has no need for a giant, sticky, 12,000 calorie anything. Thirty bucks is a night out at Applebee’s. Thirty bucks is a big bottle of Patrón for you plus a tiny bottle of Patrón that you can photograph your baby holding and hope child services never finds the picture. Thirty bucks is a pair of last season’s Anne Klein pumps. Why would someone drop thirty bucks on a single piece of candy?
If that someone was, say, me, and that someone was, say, drunk, this question would be moot. I have no ability to turn down something I want while intoxicated. Irish men, deep fried snack cakes, free puppies, I will invite them all into my life without question after three Stellas. With the advent of internet shopping, iPhones, and single-click purchase features on shopping apps, I find that on Mondays more often than not the UPS man introduces me to some item I found irresistible while straddling a barstool at Buffalo Wild Wings on Friday night.
I’ve found that these purchases occur in two major ways, the DARE and the WANT. The DARE is how I ended up with my most recent purchase, the GeMagic Deluxe Kit. How else was I going to make my What What Pants?
The DARE conversation goes something like this:
ME: Yes they do make those. I totally saw it in an infomercial.
THEM: No way do they make a dog bark translator.
ME, pulling out iPhone: Wanna bet?
THEM: Holy shit.
ME: Told you.
THEM: I dare you to buy it.
ME: I totally bought it.
I love a good dare. When I play Truth or Dare–which doesn’t happen as often in the life of a thirty-something divorcee as you’d hope it would–I always pick dare. I’ll do just about anything. It’s ridiculous, and the more drunk I am, the more ridiculous stuff I’ll do. It’s honestly a miracle I’ve never been arrested for public nudity or trespassing yet.
The WANT is usually a visceral, infantile drive to purchase something because I have to have it. The WANT purchases are usually made when I’m alone, and my inner monologue goes something like this:
ME: I want that.
ME: You don’t need it.
ME: But I want it.
ME: You can’t afford it.
ME: But I want it.
ME: You can’t fill your life with material things.
ME: Watch me. Or you. Whatever. I’m fucking buying it.
Actual things I’ve bought while drunk:
- Not one, but TWO sets of Twilight trading cards. In my defense, the second set was signed by Peter Facinelli, so it’s NORMAL.
- NKOTB’s “The Block”. There are no explanations for this one. I didn’t just download it either, I bought the actual damn CD.
- I watched this on television in 1985. Twenty five years later and four beers in, I decided I needed perpetual access to it. Ringo Starr is in it. Yeah.
- Twilight vehicle window decal. If I’d been drunk when I’d received it, it would probably be on my car right now.
- 2003 Volvo XC90 on eBay. Fortunately I didn’t meet the Reserve Price, or I’d be wheeling around in this bitch right now.
Things I found in my history that I must have passed out or gotten distracted before I managed to buy them:
- Autographed photo of Don Knotts shaking hands with Andy Griffith on the set of “Matlock”. Obviously, I probably should actually own this.
- Dog socks with little suspenders to help them stay put. I can’t decide if this is adorable or sad.
Wow. They weren't cheap, either. I think that my low Visa limit gets the credit for me not buying these shoes.
Tags: Amazon is going to kill me, candy that is too big to be allowed, crap, dog socks, drunk buys, Gemagic is the generic Bedazzler, I tried to buy a Volvo after three shots of Patron, NKOTB, someone needs to buy me that Matlock picture, twilight
