Archive for July, 2009

“Little Ashes”, in Tweets

July 25, 2009

LittleAshesI didn’t plan for this to be a Rob Pattinson blog, and I still don’t, because there are already a shit-ton of awesome ladies doing that job*.  However, this week my Rob DVD collection arrived (“Bad Mother’s Handjobbook”, “The Haunted Airman”, “How to Be” and “Little Ashes”), and I can’t think about anything else, much less blog about it.

I’d seen all of the movies online already, apart from “Little Ashes”.  After several false starts, I decided I should approach the film the same way I approach mediocre sex:  by drinking an entire bottle of wine first. Now, before the advent of Twitter, this would have resulted in my friends and co-workers receiving a disjointed series of drunken texts from me, but today I have the technology available to drunk Tweet the entire world.  I am nothing if not on the cutting edge of the intoxicated abuse of technology.

So here is a synopsis of “Little Ashes”, as drunkenly Tweeted by me.  There are spoilers in here for sure, so don’t bitch that I didn’t warn you.

I’m just drunk enough to watch “Little Ashes”. I’m going in, bitches.

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I totally want to do Little ashes Rob and i’ve only seen his eye so far

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Oh rob how could you? Boots? Hair?
boots

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Is he pretending to be asleep?

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Please leg rob cut his hair and start kissing Frederico Lorca soon

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My ability to decipher Spanish accents while drunk? ZERO

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Awkward Robador.

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Is Robador wearing a top hat? He totes looks like Slash.
slash

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I think Lorca just said he can’t leave Spain because he hates shoes.

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Oohb god the tuck just happened. lm dued [This requires a little translation into soberspeak:  “Oh, God, The TUCK just happened.  I’m dead.”]

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Why the f*ck are Rob’s dalipants so short?
dalipants

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Lorca, we’ve all had impure thoughts about Robador. It’s okay.

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So jealous of the naked model.

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“How do you feel about communal defecation?” GOLd.

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Yum. Shirtless fighting Spaniards.

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“I don’t want to be a ghost.” True dat.

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Cadacques moonlight scene = Isle Esme.
cadacques

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What up with the purple headscarf situation? Ooh, kissing. syl.
scarf

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So, Dali is just not gay, I guess. Would have made a more compelling love scene if he was.

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❤ Lorca’s visions of Dali with topless can-can dancers.

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The “mustache” makes its first appearance. Blerg.

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Dali slaps, then kisses Lorca. Hot. Totally masochistic. I know what’s ving next. :).

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Bald, laughing, painted Robador. Perfect visualization of how I am when I write. [This baffles me.  I do not write while painted, though I do laugh often and shaved my head that one time.]

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This movie is blasted long.

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Paps in Little Ashes totes ironic.

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I know Gala was older than Dali, but this actress easily has 25 years on Rob.

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Did not expect execution scene. Tears. Sad, drunk, wild tears.

So there it is.  I thought “Little Ashes” was a beautiful movie, and The TUCK was quite brief and in context.  I thought Rob did much better than a lot of reviewers gave him credit for as well, and I may or may not be slightly in love with Javier Beltrán now.  Maybe next time I’ll even watch it sober.


*These ladies being JAG at Random Acts of Rob, themoonisdown & unintendedchoice at Letters to Rob (they coined “The Bad Mother’s Handjob” and “The TUCK”, strokes of genius both), Amber at Rob My World, and justfp, justkg and justchristy at Thinking of Rob.  There are more, but these are the ones I go to every day because they’re fucking amazing.

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Next up for Rob?

July 23, 2009

I know that between the next two (or three) movies in the Twilight saga, Unbound Captives and Bel Ami, Robert Pattinson has work booked until approximately 2017.  But when the bruhaha surrounding Rob fades, I have a couple of requests for roles he should play:

James Bond

It's like a formalwear version of "Multiplicity"

It's like a formalwear edition of "Multiplicity"

This is really what started the thought process for this post, because there were rumors going around about Rob playing James Bond. This is a tuxedo clad fantasy of mine, and I am therefore all in favor of it. He’s got the height, he’s got the accent, and he looks like sex in a tuxedo; might as well skip all the paperwork and go right to shooting.

The name is Patterson.  Ron Patterson.

The name is Patterson. Ron Patterson.


John Lennon
John_Lennon_2

Ever since I saw the below picture of Rob from Teen Vogue, I thought he should play John Lennon in a biopic. I’m kind of an expert on John Lennon and The Beatles, and I think Rob could convey the mannerisms and self-deprecation that marked Lennon’s personality. Plus Rob has an English (if not Liverpudlian) accent and knows how to properly hold a guitar. I’ll play Yoko, even though I’m totally not Japanese or even Asian, and we can recreate the “Woman” video.
teenvoguelennon_lionandlamblove


Stanley Kowalski

Marlon Brando as Stanley Kowalski

Marlon Brando as Stanley Kowalski

Don't you want to see Rob dressed like this?

Don't you want to see Rob dressed like this?

Picture it: Rob as the muscled, blue collared, tight shirted, flawed, broken, testosterone dripping Stanley Kowalski in “A Streetcar Named Desire”. Fuck yeah.

STEL-LA!

STEL-LAAAAA!


Dr. Frankenfurter

. . . by night I'm one hell of a lovah

. . . by night I'm one hell of a lovah

Okay, I realize this is probably just a sick fantasy of mine own, but think about it for a minute: Rob’s got the tall, toned body for it, he can smoke the hell out of a cigarette, he’s not afraid of risque roles, and if this picture is any indication, he’s got the goods to fill out the panties. In fact, I think we could go for a remake of “Rocky Horror Picture Show” done entirely with the cast from Twilight:

Robert Pattinson as Frankenfurter (this was the creepiest pic of Rob I could find)

Robert Pattinson as Frankenfurter (this was the creepiest pic of Rob I could find)

Kristen Stewart as Janet Weiss

Kristen Stewart as Janet Weiss

Peter Facinelli as Brad Majors

Peter Facinelli as Brad Majors

Kellan Lutz as Rocky

Kellan Lutz as Rocky

Rachelle Lefevre as Magenta

Rachelle Lefevre as Magenta

Ashley Greene as Columbia

Ashley Greene as Columbia

Jackson Rathbone as Riff Raff

Jackson Rathbone as Riff Raff

Taylor Lautner's Dad as Eddie

Taylor Lautner's Dad as Eddie

These are my suggestions. I actually have a few more, but they are obscure movies and frankly, I chose most of them just so I can see Rob doing sexythings.


Sources:

thinkingofrob.wordpress.com
robertpattinsonwho.com
robsessedpattinson.com
mtv.com
lionandlamblove.com

Does anyone have a DeLorean I can borrow?

July 22, 2009
America's preferred mode of time travel since 1985

America's preferred mode of time travel since 1985

Perms.  Just Say No.

Perms. Just Say No.

There are so many things I’d like to go back and tell myself when I was in high school.  Some are minor, like “never get a perm at the Hair Cuttery” and “no one thinks you’re a bad ass just because you have a wallet chain”.  And some are of greater import:

Uncle Mullet.  Have mercy.

Uncle Mullet. Have mercy. Just because they do it on TV doesn't make it right.

That boy is not worth your tears. You know which boy I’m talking about.  The one whose folded up picture you’ve been carrying in your wallet for two years.  The one with the crinkly blue eyes who sounds just like Bon Scott when he sings and only dates cheerleaders.  In fifteen years he’ll hit on you at the grocery store, not knowing you spent four years mooning over him, and he’ll be buying a six pack of Schlitz and he’s going to still have that early 90s mullet and you are going to vomit a little in your mouth.  Dodge that bullet now, love.

Your parents are wrong. Not always, but a lot.  Don’t listen to them when they tell you that you can’t or shouldn’t do something you want to do–they’re wrong.  They are afraid because you are lovely and sensitive and they don’t want the world to eat you up and spit you out.  What they don’t know is that you are smarter and stronger than they’ve allowed themselves to believe.  Listen to your instincts first and their advice second.

Don't forget the J, the I, the M, the M, the Y, yo--I need a body bag.

Don't forget the J, the I, the M, the M, the Y, yo--I need a body bag.

Use condoms. Every time.  Even if you’re on the pill.  Even if he complains.  Even if you don’t have one with you but you’re really horny and he’s really cute.  Keep the junk under wraps, because you are one fertile bitch.

Just read the fucking books. When you read the Cliff’s Notes, you pass the test but miss the point.  The books are good, and you’re going to end up reading them anyway.  Do it now before you have a toddler clinging to each of your thighs.

Were mullets really this ubiquitous in the 90s?  I'm amazed we survived.

Were mullets really this ubiquitous in the 90s? I'm amazed we survived.

Your music collection sucks.  Seriously. New Kids on the Block?  Wilson Phillips?  C+C Music Factory?  Okay, you’ll still be listening to Nirvana in fifteen years, but don’t bother replacing your Michael Bolton tape with a CD–pick up some Leonard Cohen instead.

You are beautiful. And it has nothing to do with what you look like.


Bonus Uncle Jesse.

Bonus Uncle Jesse.

Half Blood Prince: drunken sex romp

July 15, 2009

hpI may, of course, be overstating the case with the title of this post, but there was a definite surplus of intoxicated and hormonal teenagers in “Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince”.  Undoubtedly, the movie will be woefully under-reviewed, so here’s mine, including spoilers, because I have no filter:

My favorite part of the movie:  the “New Moon” trailer.  I wasn’t expecting it, because I thought Warner Brothers would promote WB movies only.  So when I saw the now familiar sweeping ocean panorama that marks the opening of the trailer, I went all Linda Richman at a Streisand show.  The guy sitting next to me leaned perceptibly away from me as I clutched at my shirt and moaned, “Oh. My. Gawd.”  Some people cheered, no one booed, and every woman in the place gasped audibly at shirtless Jacob.  I was tweeting it before Jacob even turned into a wolf.

 

My least favorite part of the movie:  the woman next to me who seemed to be having a sexual affair with her popcorn.  She thoroughly fondled, tongued, and sucked every piece with lusty relish.  I imagined ways to kill her with her own bucket.

Surprising moment:  Ginny Weasley in her pajamas getting on her knees in front of Harry Potter to tie his shoe lace.  Nothing like a thinly veiled allusion to blowjobs in a kids’ movie.  Actually, there was a lot of mild sexual behavior and intoxication–someone was always making out or drinking potions or ‘butterbeer’.  At one point Professor Slughorn gives beer to Harry and Ron (which was in the book, in their defense).

Something’s missing:  the entire story of Voldemort’s family.  Also, Hagrid and Neville were almost completely unused.  No funeral for Dumbledore (though there was a scene with lit wands that vaguely reminded me of a Journey concert).  I’m sure there was more missing, but these were pieces I was looking forward to and now I feel unsatisfied.

What they did right:  captured the horny teenager that is at the core of every Hogwart’s student. After the past movies, I’ve always said, “Where was all the making out?”  Half Blood Prince delivers the lust.

What they did wrong:  added crap that was not in the book.  I’m a Potter purist.  I don’t want new stuff, especially when they already left out some of the old stuff.

It was good in the way you expect a movie with a $200 million budget to be good.  They had no excuse not to have the best costumes, filmography, and special effects.  Cute boys* didn’t hurt either.

*With the exception of Rupert Grint.  Poor Rupert.  In addition to having the least attractive name known to man, he’s just not a sexy beast, and he’s had to stand next to the increasingly adorable Daniel Radcliffe for nearly ten years.  I know some people love Rupert, but I’m struck again and again how NOT attracted to him I am.

Malibu Edward

July 13, 2009

At 3 a.m. on Sunday, I couldn’t sleep, so I did the logical thing and made the two-hour drive to Virginia Beach to watch the sun rise over the Atlantic.  Totally worth it, by the way; if you have the means, I highly recommend it.

This would be so much easier if you could just bend at the hips (that's what she said)

P.E., this would be so much easier if you could just bend at the hips (that's what she said)

Pocket Edward, ever by my side, made a rare daytime appearance to soak up some rays and build some sandcastles.  He looked just like I imagined he would on Isle Esme, though the pea coat may have been overkill.

Our appearance caused quite a stir.  I didn’t expect people to be so judgmental in this day and age, but there they were, scrunching their noses and tut-tutting in our direction.

Or maybe they were just laughing at me, I don’t know.  What I do know is that I regret not picking up the Pocket Edward with the sunglasses.

The turrets gave him flashbacks of Volterra

The turrets gave him flashbacks of Volterra

I should have photographed the faces of the children who had to move away from their own sandcastle so a grown-ass woman could pose her action figure on it.  They’ll be telling the story for years.