Half Blood Prince: drunken sex romp

hpI may, of course, be overstating the case with the title of this post, but there was a definite surplus of intoxicated and hormonal teenagers in “Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince”.  Undoubtedly, the movie will be woefully under-reviewed, so here’s mine, including spoilers, because I have no filter:

My favorite part of the movie:  the “New Moon” trailer.  I wasn’t expecting it, because I thought Warner Brothers would promote WB movies only.  So when I saw the now familiar sweeping ocean panorama that marks the opening of the trailer, I went all Linda Richman at a Streisand show.  The guy sitting next to me leaned perceptibly away from me as I clutched at my shirt and moaned, “Oh. My. Gawd.”  Some people cheered, no one booed, and every woman in the place gasped audibly at shirtless Jacob.  I was tweeting it before Jacob even turned into a wolf.

 

My least favorite part of the movie:  the woman next to me who seemed to be having a sexual affair with her popcorn.  She thoroughly fondled, tongued, and sucked every piece with lusty relish.  I imagined ways to kill her with her own bucket.

Surprising moment:  Ginny Weasley in her pajamas getting on her knees in front of Harry Potter to tie his shoe lace.  Nothing like a thinly veiled allusion to blowjobs in a kids’ movie.  Actually, there was a lot of mild sexual behavior and intoxication–someone was always making out or drinking potions or ‘butterbeer’.  At one point Professor Slughorn gives beer to Harry and Ron (which was in the book, in their defense).

Something’s missing:  the entire story of Voldemort’s family.  Also, Hagrid and Neville were almost completely unused.  No funeral for Dumbledore (though there was a scene with lit wands that vaguely reminded me of a Journey concert).  I’m sure there was more missing, but these were pieces I was looking forward to and now I feel unsatisfied.

What they did right:  captured the horny teenager that is at the core of every Hogwart’s student. After the past movies, I’ve always said, “Where was all the making out?”  Half Blood Prince delivers the lust.

What they did wrong:  added crap that was not in the book.  I’m a Potter purist.  I don’t want new stuff, especially when they already left out some of the old stuff.

It was good in the way you expect a movie with a $200 million budget to be good.  They had no excuse not to have the best costumes, filmography, and special effects.  Cute boys* didn’t hurt either.

*With the exception of Rupert Grint.  Poor Rupert.  In addition to having the least attractive name known to man, he’s just not a sexy beast, and he’s had to stand next to the increasingly adorable Daniel Radcliffe for nearly ten years.  I know some people love Rupert, but I’m struck again and again how NOT attracted to him I am.

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5 Responses to “Half Blood Prince: drunken sex romp”

  1. 52 Faces Says:

    I had to stop reading after “least fav part” because I don’t want to see the spoilers, but all I can say vis a vis “New Moon” – hahahahahaha.

    Totally. I would’ve gone old school Arsenio Hall audience. LOVE those hot underage boys…

  2. ipunchwerewolves Says:

    Great review! Thanks a lot! I’ve read it all, spoilers included though I still haven’t seen the film. I hope that when I go to the cinema I’ll also get “the favourite part”, I mean the NM trailer. At least I won’t feel that I’ve wasted my time if I don’t like HP.
    I always wonder why they do that – why they add new scenes and ignore the ones that are actually in the book. It really pisses me off.
    “Ginny Weasley in her pajamas getting on her knees in front of Harry Potter to tie his shoe lace” noooooooooooooooooo, honestly?

    • tiffanized Says:

      “Ginny shoelace blowjob” is the number one search that brings people to my blog. I was sitting next to teenaged boys during the movie and they definitely thought it was a BJ reference.

  3. whenyourefifteen Says:

    oh dang I was the woman who was “having a sexual affair with her popcorn.” Could you blame me, my father never let me eat that kind of food :O

  4. Cleo Ronda Says:

    Good wordpress post, I will be sure to bookmark this in my Digg account. Have a great day.

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