I’m going to be a slut for Halloween

I’m starting my search for an amazing Halloween costume.  My original plan had been to go as “Honeymoon Bella” but some bitches at TwiCon beat me to it and I’ve had to start from scratch.  Apparently, the Halloween Industrial Complex has decided that I’m going to be a slut for Halloween.  If you have a vagina, they’ve also decided that you will be a slut for Halloween.  There are infinite variations of this theme, but they all come back to the same thing.

Exhibit A:  The Firefighter

firefighter

The revered firefighter.  It should call up images of rescued babies and kittens, not thigh high hooker boots.  The image on the left is of a firefighter costume, the one on the right is of a slut in a plastic hat.

Exhibit B: The Football Player

football
Okay, I’ll concede that the male football player is pretty sexy, even though he is inexplicably barefoot.  But at least he gets to have a whole shirt.   Bonus points if you noticed the number on both jerseys.

Exhibit C:  The Referee

referee

A close relative to the slutball player, this may be the most blatant double standard of the post.  I think with this one, it is the high-heeled Chucks that pushed my ass over the edge.

Exhibit D:  The Hobo

hobo

When I first saw this, I was terrified that I’d stumbled across a slutty clown; I’m not usually afraid of clowns, but for this I was willing to make an exception.  The reality is that these are hobos, or at least one of them is.  The other is a hoboslut, a term I swore I’d never use again.   I don’t know what the hobos look like where you’re from, but around here, they almost never sport a keyhole cutout in their flannel.

Exhibit E:  The Hogwarts Student

hogwarts

I don’t know what offends me most:  the bastardization of a beloved literary series, the sluttification of the female costume, or the fact that the female Hogwarts model is supposed to be plus-sized.  If she is plus-sized, then I am too large to be seen with the naked eye.

Exhibit F:  The M&M

mandm

Come on.  The female costume isn’t even shaped like an M&M, unless you count those freaky disfigured ones you run across every so often (I never eat those–it just seems wrong).

Exhibit G:  The American Indian

nativeamerican

I’m not even going to get started on the cultural inaccuracies here, because I don’t have time and I’m not an expert on Native Americans.  The guy on the left may look stupid, but the poor woman on the right is called “Pocahottie”.  I couldn’t make this shit up.

Exhibit H:  The Soldier

soldier

No wonder there’s been so much hullabaloo about women in the military.  I would imagine they do have trouble fighting like men if they’re wearing hot pants and knee boots.  That’s not the standard issue uniform for a female soldier, you say?  That’s right, that’s the slut uniform.  You understand the confusion–the site had the costume on the right labeled “Soldier”.

Exhibit I:  The Nutcracker

nutcracker

Okay, which of you sick fuckers has the nutcracker fetish?  Wait . . . Rule #57 of blogging: don’t ask questions you don’t want the answer to.  But a nutcracker?  You’re defiling the very sanctity of the most capitalistic of our religious holidays with a slutty toy in a weird hat.  Too far, costume people.  Too far.


Costumes can be found at:
www.costumeexpress.com
www.halloweenexpress.com
www.buycostumes.com

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