Man Nips, or I can’t tolerate a man who is stingy with his nipples

I am as lazy as I can possibly be to still function in regular society.  I cannot be bothered with seeking out blogworthy topics, especially since approximately seven people read each post.  Actually, about fifty of you read each post without commenting, which leads me to believe you are as lazy as I am.  I can’t fault you for this.  I take your silence as evidence that I have so thoroughly covered each issue that you are saturated with information and have nothing to add to the mix.  You are welcome. 

Even considering the stellar archive of posts I have amassed, you will not see any laurel resting going on around here.  I still have to think up shit to write about.  For inspiration, I looked to see what searches brought people over to the tiffanized side on WordPress.  A lot of the usual:  slutty clowns, ginny weasley giving harry potter a blow job, delorians.  I think I’ve covered those topics well, and don’t need to address them again.

But then I ran across “man nipples”.  If someone came to my blog looking for “man nipples”, they were certainly disappointed.  I have one, maybe three, man nipples in evidence over here. 

Until today.

It had been my every intent to title this post, “Nipples I Have Loved” and populate it with images of the useless mammaries of men I’ve slept with.  Oddly, none of my past lovers wanted to share their nipples with the world.  This may explain why I’m no longer sharing my nipples with them anymore.  I can’t tolerate a man who is stingy with his nipples.

If you came here today looking for man nipples, I am your servant.  I will cover the nipples of men–or uncover them, as the case may be–until I’m convinced that your curiosity has been sated.  On the surface, it hardly seems necessary; men have no shame about their chests.   They have stray hairs, wobbly bits, and bellybutton fuzzballs the size of a quarter, but they’ll whip off their shirts anywhere:  beaches, parks, hotel lobbies, wedding receptions.  This is probably why I was baffled when my exes refused to offer up their nip photos for my blog, a.k.a. “the greater good”.  C’mon, dude, you lifted your shirt at Sunday dinner to show my grandma how you can lick your own nipple, but you won’t snap a pic with your Blackberry and shoot it over to me?  You’re an enigma.

So first, a general overview.  We’ll start with a man nipple smörgåsbord (you’re welcome, Swedes), then break it down to the nipples of specific men. Brace yourself.

The Norm
 
No, not George Wendt’s nipples, though I have to say I wish I’d thought to Google image search that one, morbid curiosity and all that.  I’m calling these manipples ‘normal’, totally aware that there is no such thing as a normal nipple, my own personal nipples being proof of that.  I’ve branded these as ‘normal’ nipples based on the fact that, if during a romantic encounter of some sort I were to run across these nipples, I would not stop to think about them.  They are there, they are round and unremarkably pigmented, and I would move on to uncovering other hidden parts.

The Purposely Altered

I’ve run into a couple of these in my travels, and I think they are just grand.  One request:  if you are going to pierce one nipple, please pierce the other.  I’m a fiend for symmetry.

Also to be found in the “Purposely Altered” category is the tattooed male nipple.  I will get into these when I discuss my Favorite Man Nipples Ever, but let me pause to show you what may be the greatest use I’ve come across for the male nipple:

This fellow, while lacking some basic facial hygiene, heroically saved his man nip from going to waste.  Also, I think he is in a bar in the daytime, which is to be praised, or that is his personal liquor collection, which is to be worshipped.

Alternately, I have found what may be the worst use of male nipplage in public:

I will be the first person in line to see man-on-man action, but this does not flip my switch.

The Hairy Potter

Believe me when I say you are a lucky person not to have seen the entire picture.  There was a ripped muscle shirt and more hair.  So much hair.

The Pec

This is nice in a “traditionally and impossibly perfect” sort of way.  The tiny nipple, elongated and stretched by the underlying muscle, sits atop the pec like a brownish cherry atop a tan sundae.  Wow, that was more disgusting an image than it sounded in my head.  You get the picture (and I’ve got the HQ original, lucky me).

Test your Knipple Knowledge!
Match the male celebrity with their nipple:

A. 1. Barack Obama
B. 2. Jake Gyllenhaal
C. 3. David Beckham
D. 4. Johnny Depp
E. 5. Leonardo DiCaprio
F. 6. Ryan Reynolds
G. 7. Alex Skarsgard
H. 8. Peter Griffin
I. 9. Zac Efron
J. 10. Ryan Gosling
Answers: A-6; B-5; C-10; D-2; E-8; F-4; G-3; H-7; I-1; J-9

Vintage Mipples

Rebel Nipple

Streetcar Nipple (Marlon Brando)

They don't make mipples like this anymore (Paul Newman)

That last picture of Paul Newman is a nice segue into a little piece of self-indulgence I like to call Tiffanized’s Favorite Man Nipples Ever:

Frank Iero. My Chemical Nipples. Gah.

M Shadows from Avenged Sevenfold. I would've posted Zacky Vengeance and Synyster Gates too, but I thought that might make me explode.

Holy European Androgyny, Batman. (Louis Garrel)

Nick Hoult.

Technically, there are no mipples showing in that last picture, but WHO THE FUCK CARES?  Nicholas Hoult is stunning. 

No list of My Favorite Man Nipples Ever would be complete without Twinipples.

Taylor Lautner's mipples are still illegal until February 2010.

Kellan Lutz, arguably the nicest of the Twinipple pack. He rocked the Perfect Pec look while Taylor Lautner was still Sharkboy.

Robward. I know his left mipple was wonky in New Moon, but it's non-wonky and totally flickable in this picture.

There you go.  Those of you in apparent desperate search for male nipples need look no farther.  I’ve covered it all.  I’m all nippled out.

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14 Responses to “Man Nips, or I can’t tolerate a man who is stingy with his nipples”

  1. PWG Says:

    I’m a big fan of this post. Big fan. I’m getting ungodly amounts of pleasure from that picture of Paul Newman, which is in my list of top five pictures of any man doing anything anytime ever.

    I was surprised to find that I’m more partial to Efron’s mipples than Johnny Depp’s.

  2. Li Li Says:

    You’re right…I am one of those 50 readers who never comments because of laziness. But then you called out said laziness– sure it was to unite us in our mutual laziness– but nevertheless it has been pointed out therefore I must now comment. You might be a genius using reverse psychology and shizz…but I digress…this post was brill.

    PS– Is it weird that I could only correctly identify Barack Obamas nipples??

  3. MLF Says:

    oh Dear. What a lovely way to start out my morning. This day is looking up

  4. deb24601 Says:

    You had me at man nipples…

    I knew you were hilarious from your posts on RAoR but day-umm…I feel a new addiction coming on. By that I mean your blog…and possibly twitter… depends how lazy I’m feeling…

  5. Pange Says:

    You win the award for most use of the word “nipple.”

    You know, if that were a real award. Also I would give you an award for this post if I could. Because.it.is.AWESOME.

    Robward mipples FTW! =)

  6. Janetrigs Says:

    You know this already…I love you.

  7. HeyyyBrother Says:

    Ryan Gosling’s bare chest and accompanying mipple are underwhelming. He’s so pale. Not what I was expecting, truthfully.

    I can’t take my eyes off of vintage Paul Newman. I almost wish I could go back in time 50 years to enjoy that in the “present.” Although I probably would have been a repressed goody-two-shoes who would dismiss such vile thoughts from my mind lest they corrupt me too much. So best I stay right where I am and appreciate it from the comfort of my work’s computer chair.

    • tiffanized Says:

      I think I could have posted that picture of Paul Newman and called it a day. I’d never seen it before.

      Mr. Gosling apparently thinks it’s enough that he’s got those soulful eyes and a band. Which, of course, it is. He could grow a third mipple on his back and I’d still get down with it.

  8. Bella - Not an Addikt Says:

    I felt slightly uncomfortable eyeing so many different mipples with my boyfriend snugly lounging in the sofa 2 metres away. I felt like I was cheating on him with man porn or something. But you hilarious and brilliant writing makes it all justifiable. “I read it for the jokes and the great articles, honey.”

  9. Freya Says:

    Two thumbs up on this post. Those thumbs will now proceed to gently flick and caress one or more of the nipples above.

  10. Donna Says:

    Man nipples are always nice. Especially the Tw-kind.
    And yes, you are so right. I read but am way too lazy to comment.
    I will do better.

  11. vendapall Says:

    I am often searching for brand-new posts in the world wide web about this subject. Thanx!!

  12. The Old One Says:

    Oh look, I’m responding to an ancient post, and no one will ever read it! I just have to say since I’m a tech-tard, when I first started reading about “manips” online, I thought, cool, where? Then I realized they were talking about manip-u-la-tions of digital photos. Oh. Nevermind.

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