Archive for the ‘robert pattinson’ Category

Eclipse trailer: Thoughts. Not all of them nice.

April 23, 2010

0:00-0:23
Twenty-three seconds of Oprah is too much Oprah.

0:24-0:28
Either Dakota Fanning needs to lay off the Pall Malls or Skype audio sucks rancid goat balls.

0:29
Who the fuck is Joe?  I feel like there is a tech named Mark ready to hit the “go” button on the footage and Dakota just made up a name and now Mark is all pissed because it was supposed to be his turn to shine.

0:34
President Obama needs to issue a decree or executive order or whatever to force Taylor Lautner to wear snug black tee shirts all the time.  No exceptions.

I'm joining the Black T-Shirt PAC

0:40
I see why the human boys were betting on Jacob in a fight.  Edward looks like he could be taken down by a sick four-year-old girl.

0:54
Three thoughts:
1. FOR ALL THAT IS HOLY WHAT IS ON JASPER’S HEAD?
2. Carlisle looks like Francis the bully from Pee Wee’s Big Adventure.

"I know you are but what am I?"

 

3. DEVIL WIG ON JASPER’S HEAD! GET IT OFF! OH THE HUMANITY!

1:00
Riley.  Fuck yeah.  He looks like he’d be down for more than just a stupid leg hitch.

TEAM RILEY

1:10
Those aren’t bears!  Or maybe they are.  They sure don’t look like wolves.

I can see why Angela would get confused.

1:14
Angry Edward.  I want this to be the tent scene so BAD.  I want that to be the look on Edward’s face when he sees Jacob’s fantasies about Bella.  But it doesn’t make sense that he’s wearing a tie in a tent, so it’s probably the post-graduation scene when Edward finds out that the newborns belong to Victoria and they’re coming after Bella.  I’m so worried that the tent scene is going to lack passion.  People, I’ve been reading a ton of angsty, filthy fan fiction in the past 18 months–a ton–and I need there to be sexual frustration that I can feel in my front pocket when Jacob, Edward and Bella are in the cold tent.

Edward Cullen, now with more angst.

1:18
Wet Riley.  Fuck yeah X 2.

Who knew Inferi could be so hot? Shit, wrong franchise.

1:28
Charlie Bewley . . . let me pause here to say that I want to have 17,853 of Charlie Bewley’s babies.

1:31
Really?  This is a vampire battle?  I expected something more nuanced than “head on collision”, probably because I, you know, read the books.

1:32
Is it in Jackson Rathbone’s contract that he must look like a deranged labradoodle in every trailer?  He does not pull off the crazyface.

It's easy, Jackson. Just pretend you're attacking a member of the Summit wig department.

1:34
Okay, that diving/spinning thing is pretty cool.  That’s what I was picturing for a vampire fight.  Is that Alice?

1:37
FUGLY RING.  Are those pavé diamonds?  I talked about this months ago on LTT, Slade.  I hope that the “re-shoots” going on in Vancouver right now are these scenes with a better ring.  You went full Stephenie Meyer on us here.  My disappointment–it is palpable.

No, it's not my mother's ring. I picked it up at the Gold & Silver kiosk at the mall.

1:39
I hate you as Victoria, Bryce Dallas Howard.  You are not Victoria.  It’s like watching a soap opera where they have a substitute actress while the actual actress is recovering from a herpes outbreak or something: “Today the role of Victoria will be played by Bryce Dallas Howard, who had to get a tan to play a vampire.”

Still hoping this is a practical joke on the fandom.

1:42
A lot of this trailer looks like New Moon.  I think we’ve got some recycled footage here with our shirtless Jacob.

The watermark in the lower left makes it look like Taycob has an Oprah tattoo.

1:44
Charlie Bewley, looking fuckhot again.  Also, some other people.

1:45
I still hate you, BDH.

1:48
I always crack up when Robward knocks down a tree or something.  It’s not supposed to be funny, but it totally is.

1:57
I stopped watching here.  It was going back to the Oprahfest.

2:17
Wait, I lied.  May 13?  Rob is spending his birthday with Oprah?  That makes me feel all sickly wrong inside.

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“Little Ashes”, in Tweets

July 25, 2009

LittleAshesI didn’t plan for this to be a Rob Pattinson blog, and I still don’t, because there are already a shit-ton of awesome ladies doing that job*.  However, this week my Rob DVD collection arrived (“Bad Mother’s Handjobbook”, “The Haunted Airman”, “How to Be” and “Little Ashes”), and I can’t think about anything else, much less blog about it.

I’d seen all of the movies online already, apart from “Little Ashes”.  After several false starts, I decided I should approach the film the same way I approach mediocre sex:  by drinking an entire bottle of wine first. Now, before the advent of Twitter, this would have resulted in my friends and co-workers receiving a disjointed series of drunken texts from me, but today I have the technology available to drunk Tweet the entire world.  I am nothing if not on the cutting edge of the intoxicated abuse of technology.

So here is a synopsis of “Little Ashes”, as drunkenly Tweeted by me.  There are spoilers in here for sure, so don’t bitch that I didn’t warn you.

I’m just drunk enough to watch “Little Ashes”. I’m going in, bitches.

*

I totally want to do Little ashes Rob and i’ve only seen his eye so far

*

Oh rob how could you? Boots? Hair?
boots

*

Is he pretending to be asleep?

*

Please leg rob cut his hair and start kissing Frederico Lorca soon

*

My ability to decipher Spanish accents while drunk? ZERO

*

Awkward Robador.

*

Is Robador wearing a top hat? He totes looks like Slash.
slash

*

I think Lorca just said he can’t leave Spain because he hates shoes.

*

Oohb god the tuck just happened. lm dued [This requires a little translation into soberspeak:  “Oh, God, The TUCK just happened.  I’m dead.”]

*

Why the f*ck are Rob’s dalipants so short?
dalipants

*

Lorca, we’ve all had impure thoughts about Robador. It’s okay.

*

So jealous of the naked model.

*

“How do you feel about communal defecation?” GOLd.

*

Yum. Shirtless fighting Spaniards.

*

“I don’t want to be a ghost.” True dat.

*

Cadacques moonlight scene = Isle Esme.
cadacques

*

What up with the purple headscarf situation? Ooh, kissing. syl.
scarf

*

So, Dali is just not gay, I guess. Would have made a more compelling love scene if he was.

*

❤ Lorca’s visions of Dali with topless can-can dancers.

*

The “mustache” makes its first appearance. Blerg.

*

Dali slaps, then kisses Lorca. Hot. Totally masochistic. I know what’s ving next. :).

*

Bald, laughing, painted Robador. Perfect visualization of how I am when I write. [This baffles me.  I do not write while painted, though I do laugh often and shaved my head that one time.]

*

This movie is blasted long.

*

Paps in Little Ashes totes ironic.

*

I know Gala was older than Dali, but this actress easily has 25 years on Rob.

*

Did not expect execution scene. Tears. Sad, drunk, wild tears.

So there it is.  I thought “Little Ashes” was a beautiful movie, and The TUCK was quite brief and in context.  I thought Rob did much better than a lot of reviewers gave him credit for as well, and I may or may not be slightly in love with Javier Beltrán now.  Maybe next time I’ll even watch it sober.


*These ladies being JAG at Random Acts of Rob, themoonisdown & unintendedchoice at Letters to Rob (they coined “The Bad Mother’s Handjob” and “The TUCK”, strokes of genius both), Amber at Rob My World, and justfp, justkg and justchristy at Thinking of Rob.  There are more, but these are the ones I go to every day because they’re fucking amazing.

Next up for Rob?

July 23, 2009

I know that between the next two (or three) movies in the Twilight saga, Unbound Captives and Bel Ami, Robert Pattinson has work booked until approximately 2017.  But when the bruhaha surrounding Rob fades, I have a couple of requests for roles he should play:

James Bond

It's like a formalwear version of "Multiplicity"

It's like a formalwear edition of "Multiplicity"

This is really what started the thought process for this post, because there were rumors going around about Rob playing James Bond. This is a tuxedo clad fantasy of mine, and I am therefore all in favor of it. He’s got the height, he’s got the accent, and he looks like sex in a tuxedo; might as well skip all the paperwork and go right to shooting.

The name is Patterson.  Ron Patterson.

The name is Patterson. Ron Patterson.


John Lennon
John_Lennon_2

Ever since I saw the below picture of Rob from Teen Vogue, I thought he should play John Lennon in a biopic. I’m kind of an expert on John Lennon and The Beatles, and I think Rob could convey the mannerisms and self-deprecation that marked Lennon’s personality. Plus Rob has an English (if not Liverpudlian) accent and knows how to properly hold a guitar. I’ll play Yoko, even though I’m totally not Japanese or even Asian, and we can recreate the “Woman” video.
teenvoguelennon_lionandlamblove


Stanley Kowalski

Marlon Brando as Stanley Kowalski

Marlon Brando as Stanley Kowalski

Don't you want to see Rob dressed like this?

Don't you want to see Rob dressed like this?

Picture it: Rob as the muscled, blue collared, tight shirted, flawed, broken, testosterone dripping Stanley Kowalski in “A Streetcar Named Desire”. Fuck yeah.

STEL-LA!

STEL-LAAAAA!


Dr. Frankenfurter

. . . by night I'm one hell of a lovah

. . . by night I'm one hell of a lovah

Okay, I realize this is probably just a sick fantasy of mine own, but think about it for a minute: Rob’s got the tall, toned body for it, he can smoke the hell out of a cigarette, he’s not afraid of risque roles, and if this picture is any indication, he’s got the goods to fill out the panties. In fact, I think we could go for a remake of “Rocky Horror Picture Show” done entirely with the cast from Twilight:

Robert Pattinson as Frankenfurter (this was the creepiest pic of Rob I could find)

Robert Pattinson as Frankenfurter (this was the creepiest pic of Rob I could find)

Kristen Stewart as Janet Weiss

Kristen Stewart as Janet Weiss

Peter Facinelli as Brad Majors

Peter Facinelli as Brad Majors

Kellan Lutz as Rocky

Kellan Lutz as Rocky

Rachelle Lefevre as Magenta

Rachelle Lefevre as Magenta

Ashley Greene as Columbia

Ashley Greene as Columbia

Jackson Rathbone as Riff Raff

Jackson Rathbone as Riff Raff

Taylor Lautner's Dad as Eddie

Taylor Lautner's Dad as Eddie

These are my suggestions. I actually have a few more, but they are obscure movies and frankly, I chose most of them just so I can see Rob doing sexythings.


Sources:

thinkingofrob.wordpress.com
robertpattinsonwho.com
robsessedpattinson.com
mtv.com
lionandlamblove.com