Posts Tagged ‘bdh is not victoria’

Eclipse trailer: Thoughts. Not all of them nice.

April 23, 2010

0:00-0:23
Twenty-three seconds of Oprah is too much Oprah.

0:24-0:28
Either Dakota Fanning needs to lay off the Pall Malls or Skype audio sucks rancid goat balls.

0:29
Who the fuck is Joe?  I feel like there is a tech named Mark ready to hit the “go” button on the footage and Dakota just made up a name and now Mark is all pissed because it was supposed to be his turn to shine.

0:34
President Obama needs to issue a decree or executive order or whatever to force Taylor Lautner to wear snug black tee shirts all the time.  No exceptions.

I'm joining the Black T-Shirt PAC

0:40
I see why the human boys were betting on Jacob in a fight.  Edward looks like he could be taken down by a sick four-year-old girl.

0:54
Three thoughts:
1. FOR ALL THAT IS HOLY WHAT IS ON JASPER’S HEAD?
2. Carlisle looks like Francis the bully from Pee Wee’s Big Adventure.

"I know you are but what am I?"

 

3. DEVIL WIG ON JASPER’S HEAD! GET IT OFF! OH THE HUMANITY!

1:00
Riley.  Fuck yeah.  He looks like he’d be down for more than just a stupid leg hitch.

TEAM RILEY

1:10
Those aren’t bears!  Or maybe they are.  They sure don’t look like wolves.

I can see why Angela would get confused.

1:14
Angry Edward.  I want this to be the tent scene so BAD.  I want that to be the look on Edward’s face when he sees Jacob’s fantasies about Bella.  But it doesn’t make sense that he’s wearing a tie in a tent, so it’s probably the post-graduation scene when Edward finds out that the newborns belong to Victoria and they’re coming after Bella.  I’m so worried that the tent scene is going to lack passion.  People, I’ve been reading a ton of angsty, filthy fan fiction in the past 18 months–a ton–and I need there to be sexual frustration that I can feel in my front pocket when Jacob, Edward and Bella are in the cold tent.

Edward Cullen, now with more angst.

1:18
Wet Riley.  Fuck yeah X 2.

Who knew Inferi could be so hot? Shit, wrong franchise.

1:28
Charlie Bewley . . . let me pause here to say that I want to have 17,853 of Charlie Bewley’s babies.

1:31
Really?  This is a vampire battle?  I expected something more nuanced than “head on collision”, probably because I, you know, read the books.

1:32
Is it in Jackson Rathbone’s contract that he must look like a deranged labradoodle in every trailer?  He does not pull off the crazyface.

It's easy, Jackson. Just pretend you're attacking a member of the Summit wig department.

1:34
Okay, that diving/spinning thing is pretty cool.  That’s what I was picturing for a vampire fight.  Is that Alice?

1:37
FUGLY RING.  Are those pavé diamonds?  I talked about this months ago on LTT, Slade.  I hope that the “re-shoots” going on in Vancouver right now are these scenes with a better ring.  You went full Stephenie Meyer on us here.  My disappointment–it is palpable.

No, it's not my mother's ring. I picked it up at the Gold & Silver kiosk at the mall.

1:39
I hate you as Victoria, Bryce Dallas Howard.  You are not Victoria.  It’s like watching a soap opera where they have a substitute actress while the actual actress is recovering from a herpes outbreak or something: “Today the role of Victoria will be played by Bryce Dallas Howard, who had to get a tan to play a vampire.”

Still hoping this is a practical joke on the fandom.

1:42
A lot of this trailer looks like New Moon.  I think we’ve got some recycled footage here with our shirtless Jacob.

The watermark in the lower left makes it look like Taycob has an Oprah tattoo.

1:44
Charlie Bewley, looking fuckhot again.  Also, some other people.

1:45
I still hate you, BDH.

1:48
I always crack up when Robward knocks down a tree or something.  It’s not supposed to be funny, but it totally is.

1:57
I stopped watching here.  It was going back to the Oprahfest.

2:17
Wait, I lied.  May 13?  Rob is spending his birthday with Oprah?  That makes me feel all sickly wrong inside.

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