Posts Tagged ‘things I’m too old to be doing’

Eclipse trailer: Thoughts. Not all of them nice.

April 23, 2010

Twenty-three seconds of Oprah is too much Oprah.

Either Dakota Fanning needs to lay off the Pall Malls or Skype audio sucks rancid goat balls.

Who the fuck is Joe?  I feel like there is a tech named Mark ready to hit the “go” button on the footage and Dakota just made up a name and now Mark is all pissed because it was supposed to be his turn to shine.

President Obama needs to issue a decree or executive order or whatever to force Taylor Lautner to wear snug black tee shirts all the time.  No exceptions.

I'm joining the Black T-Shirt PAC

I see why the human boys were betting on Jacob in a fight.  Edward looks like he could be taken down by a sick four-year-old girl.

Three thoughts:
2. Carlisle looks like Francis the bully from Pee Wee’s Big Adventure.

"I know you are but what am I?"



Riley.  Fuck yeah.  He looks like he’d be down for more than just a stupid leg hitch.


Those aren’t bears!  Or maybe they are.  They sure don’t look like wolves.

I can see why Angela would get confused.

Angry Edward.  I want this to be the tent scene so BAD.  I want that to be the look on Edward’s face when he sees Jacob’s fantasies about Bella.  But it doesn’t make sense that he’s wearing a tie in a tent, so it’s probably the post-graduation scene when Edward finds out that the newborns belong to Victoria and they’re coming after Bella.  I’m so worried that the tent scene is going to lack passion.  People, I’ve been reading a ton of angsty, filthy fan fiction in the past 18 months–a ton–and I need there to be sexual frustration that I can feel in my front pocket when Jacob, Edward and Bella are in the cold tent.

Edward Cullen, now with more angst.

Wet Riley.  Fuck yeah X 2.

Who knew Inferi could be so hot? Shit, wrong franchise.

Charlie Bewley . . . let me pause here to say that I want to have 17,853 of Charlie Bewley’s babies.

Really?  This is a vampire battle?  I expected something more nuanced than “head on collision”, probably because I, you know, read the books.

Is it in Jackson Rathbone’s contract that he must look like a deranged labradoodle in every trailer?  He does not pull off the crazyface.

It's easy, Jackson. Just pretend you're attacking a member of the Summit wig department.

Okay, that diving/spinning thing is pretty cool.  That’s what I was picturing for a vampire fight.  Is that Alice?

FUGLY RING.  Are those pavé diamonds?  I talked about this months ago on LTT, Slade.  I hope that the “re-shoots” going on in Vancouver right now are these scenes with a better ring.  You went full Stephenie Meyer on us here.  My disappointment–it is palpable.

No, it's not my mother's ring. I picked it up at the Gold & Silver kiosk at the mall.

I hate you as Victoria, Bryce Dallas Howard.  You are not Victoria.  It’s like watching a soap opera where they have a substitute actress while the actual actress is recovering from a herpes outbreak or something: “Today the role of Victoria will be played by Bryce Dallas Howard, who had to get a tan to play a vampire.”

Still hoping this is a practical joke on the fandom.

A lot of this trailer looks like New Moon.  I think we’ve got some recycled footage here with our shirtless Jacob.

The watermark in the lower left makes it look like Taycob has an Oprah tattoo.

Charlie Bewley, looking fuckhot again.  Also, some other people.

I still hate you, BDH.

I always crack up when Robward knocks down a tree or something.  It’s not supposed to be funny, but it totally is.

I stopped watching here.  It was going back to the Oprahfest.

Wait, I lied.  May 13?  Rob is spending his birthday with Oprah?  That makes me feel all sickly wrong inside.


The letter that will keep me from becoming President of the USA

December 3, 2009

In the ongoing and not very interesting but for some reason all consuming story of my pee money–which, by the way, is still wrapped tight in paper towels and a Ziploc baggie–I’ve written a letter to the U.S. Treasury to ask what to do with it. Of course, my actual plan is to toss the cash into my next load of laundry, but I want to see what response if any I get from our fine government. I was bewildered to see that there is no e-mail address to send inquiries for damaged money; I didn’t realize that anyone still functioned without electronic communications. Determined as I am, I dusted off Microsoft Word and tapped out this highly professional missive:

November 25, 2009

Chief, Office of Compliance
Bureau of Engraving and Printing
Currency Residue Request
14th & C Streets, S.W.
Room – 321A
Washington, D.C. 20228

RE: Damaged Currency

Dear Sirs and/or Madams:

This is a little embarrassing. Yesterday, I had an accident that resulted in me urinating on a five (5) dollar bill. The accident was of the “money fell in the toilet” variety rather than the “I wet my pants” variety.

My question is, does urinating on paper currency render it “damaged”? Without going into the gory details of its retrieval from the toilet, I did rinse the bill thoroughly and it shows no signs (staining, water damage) of its ordeal. But considering the ick factor here, I would feel better knowing your opinion of how I should proceed with the cash. Money laundering jokes aside, can I throw it in the washing machine? Should I send it to you for replacement?

Until I hear back, I will keep the money quarantined in a zipper sealed sandwich bag.

Thank you for your time,

Tiffany ******

P.S. I tried to find the answer to my question on your website, but could only find this address and a telephone number. If you have time, could you explain why there is no e-mail address for your department? I am admittedly biased toward “modern” technology, but even my grandmother has an e-mail address, though she doesn’t know how to check her inbox, bless her heart.

Now I wait.  I anticipate at least six to eleven weeks, being that this is the United States government I’m waiting on.  I tried to walk the line between “boring letter that gets ignored” and “letter that gets my name put on a government watch list”.  I’m guessing I might even see this again should I try to run for public office in the future, but I’m sure it will pale in comparison to all my naked photos and drunken Tweets floating around out there.

I saw this video about Howie Mandel washing all of his money.  Smart dude.

A reminder why you always wash your hands after cash transactions

November 24, 2009

A couple of hours ago, I had to pee.  I could buffer this confession with a euphemism, like, “I had to use the bathroom,” or “I had to do one of my little jobs,” but the “pee” is the crux of the story.  So I went to pee.  We have a lovely bathroom at work; matte pewter fixtures, purple walls, a large basin sink.  It’s very clean.  You see, “clean” is also important to the story, which is why it is being emphasized.  I went to “pee” in the “clean” bathroom.  We are all on the same page.

I settled in, content with my lot in life that I get to pee daily in such a clean, purple bathroom.  Mid-pee, I heard something rustle behind me, sort of like a leaf gently shaken loose from a branch in fall, and wondered what that could be.  I turned to look, and to my horror, that the neatly folded five dollar bill I’d had in my back pocket was now floating in the same toilet bowl into which I was relieving myself.  There was nothing I could do.  The pee had hit the bowl, as the saying doesn’t go.  I briefly said a prayer of thanks that this was not a “big job” I was turning out and finished my business.

Dramatic Recreation of events

Dramatic Re-Creation of Events

I wiped, stood, then considered my options with my pants pooled around my favorite black high heeled boots.  Flush the bill?  Throw out the money with the peewater as the saying doesn’t go?  Maybe if it were one dollar, but this was a five, and I’m a cheap bitch.  I was afraid to leave the room, lest someone come in and pee on my money*.  Like MacGyver, I searched the bathroom for something with which I could extract the money from the potty.  Unlike MacGyver, I came up blank and made a decision I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy:  I went in with my bare hands.  Actually, first I did a dance I like to call “I have to stick my hand in peewater”, which looks a lot like the “I just found a spider in my comforter” dance, only with the “I just did a shot of cheap tequila” face.  Then I went in with my bare hands.

I think at that point I blacked out, because the next thing I remember was washing the money in the sink.  My pants were up, the toilet was flushed, and the only indicator of my crisis situation was the cash being rinsed.    I grabbed a stack of paper towels, laid the bill on them, then covered it with another stack of paper towels while I washed my hands for twenty minutes, then soaped up and washed the sink, then washed my hands again before putting on half a bottle of hand sanitizer.

So the question is this:  what do I do with the bill?  Clearly I can’t touch it again without gloves; it’s currently still wadded up in the paper towels inside of a plastic bag.  I would also not feel comfy pawning it off on the kindly Indian woman at the Subway, half because I like her and half because I don’t want her to make anyone’s sandwich after she’s touched that five.  I’ve agonized over my options, and I’m polling on what it’s come down to:

*If I had a nickel for every time I’ve had to say this–well, I probably wouldn’t have to fish pee-covered bills from the toilet.

Half Blood Prince: drunken sex romp

July 15, 2009

hpI may, of course, be overstating the case with the title of this post, but there was a definite surplus of intoxicated and hormonal teenagers in “Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince”.  Undoubtedly, the movie will be woefully under-reviewed, so here’s mine, including spoilers, because I have no filter:

My favorite part of the movie:  the “New Moon” trailer.  I wasn’t expecting it, because I thought Warner Brothers would promote WB movies only.  So when I saw the now familiar sweeping ocean panorama that marks the opening of the trailer, I went all Linda Richman at a Streisand show.  The guy sitting next to me leaned perceptibly away from me as I clutched at my shirt and moaned, “Oh. My. Gawd.”  Some people cheered, no one booed, and every woman in the place gasped audibly at shirtless Jacob.  I was tweeting it before Jacob even turned into a wolf.


My least favorite part of the movie:  the woman next to me who seemed to be having a sexual affair with her popcorn.  She thoroughly fondled, tongued, and sucked every piece with lusty relish.  I imagined ways to kill her with her own bucket.

Surprising moment:  Ginny Weasley in her pajamas getting on her knees in front of Harry Potter to tie his shoe lace.  Nothing like a thinly veiled allusion to blowjobs in a kids’ movie.  Actually, there was a lot of mild sexual behavior and intoxication–someone was always making out or drinking potions or ‘butterbeer’.  At one point Professor Slughorn gives beer to Harry and Ron (which was in the book, in their defense).

Something’s missing:  the entire story of Voldemort’s family.  Also, Hagrid and Neville were almost completely unused.  No funeral for Dumbledore (though there was a scene with lit wands that vaguely reminded me of a Journey concert).  I’m sure there was more missing, but these were pieces I was looking forward to and now I feel unsatisfied.

What they did right:  captured the horny teenager that is at the core of every Hogwart’s student. After the past movies, I’ve always said, “Where was all the making out?”  Half Blood Prince delivers the lust.

What they did wrong:  added crap that was not in the book.  I’m a Potter purist.  I don’t want new stuff, especially when they already left out some of the old stuff.

It was good in the way you expect a movie with a $200 million budget to be good.  They had no excuse not to have the best costumes, filmography, and special effects.  Cute boys* didn’t hurt either.

*With the exception of Rupert Grint.  Poor Rupert.  In addition to having the least attractive name known to man, he’s just not a sexy beast, and he’s had to stand next to the increasingly adorable Daniel Radcliffe for nearly ten years.  I know some people love Rupert, but I’m struck again and again how NOT attracted to him I am.

Malibu Edward

July 13, 2009

At 3 a.m. on Sunday, I couldn’t sleep, so I did the logical thing and made the two-hour drive to Virginia Beach to watch the sun rise over the Atlantic.  Totally worth it, by the way; if you have the means, I highly recommend it.

This would be so much easier if you could just bend at the hips (that's what she said)

P.E., this would be so much easier if you could just bend at the hips (that's what she said)

Pocket Edward, ever by my side, made a rare daytime appearance to soak up some rays and build some sandcastles.  He looked just like I imagined he would on Isle Esme, though the pea coat may have been overkill.

Our appearance caused quite a stir.  I didn’t expect people to be so judgmental in this day and age, but there they were, scrunching their noses and tut-tutting in our direction.

Or maybe they were just laughing at me, I don’t know.  What I do know is that I regret not picking up the Pocket Edward with the sunglasses.

The turrets gave him flashbacks of Volterra

The turrets gave him flashbacks of Volterra

I should have photographed the faces of the children who had to move away from their own sandcastle so a grown-ass woman could pose her action figure on it.  They’ll be telling the story for years.