Posts Tagged ‘twilight’

Things I’m likely to buy whilst drunk

May 3, 2010

Today I got an e-mail from my friends over at  Well, “friends” is a liberal term; I bought some crap from them at some point (possibly while drunk, or at least buzzed) and apparently gave them permission to beg me to buy more crap from them in the future.  I doubt they’re concerned about how my divorce is turning out (fine, thanks) or are planning to invite me to their son’s wedding (I wouldn’t go anyway, so there).  I wouldn’t add them on Facebook since I’ve never met them in real life or on a Twilight blog.  They aren’t my friends, is what I’m saying.

I feel like this has gotten off to a defensive and weird start.  The marketing department at has me on a list to which they sent a mass e-mail about their new product, THE WORLD’S LARGEST GUMMY BEAR.  I’m not yelling, they just caps-locked it right through their product description.  I understand why, though.  Check this bastard out:

Five pounds. Bigger than a football. I've given birth to smaller things than this.

I read the e-mail three times.  Who would buy this thing?  I’m going to go ahead and make the assumption that anyone with thirty spare bucks laying around has no need for a giant, sticky, 12,000 calorie anything. Thirty bucks is a night out at Applebee’s.  Thirty bucks is a big bottle of Patrón for you plus a tiny bottle of Patrón that you can photograph your baby holding and hope child services never finds the picture.  Thirty bucks is a pair of last season’s Anne Klein pumps.  Why would someone drop thirty bucks on a single piece of candy?

If that someone was, say, me, and that someone was, say, drunk, this question would be moot.  I have no ability to turn down something I want while intoxicated.  Irish men, deep fried snack cakes, free puppies, I will invite them all into my life without question after three Stellas.  With the advent of internet shopping, iPhones, and single-click purchase features on shopping apps, I find that on Mondays more often than not the UPS man introduces me to some item I found irresistible while straddling a barstool at Buffalo Wild Wings on Friday night.

I’ve found that these purchases occur in two major ways, the DARE and the WANT.   The DARE is how I ended up with my most recent purchase, the GeMagic Deluxe Kit.  How else was I going to make my What What Pants?

The DARE conversation goes something like this:
ME:  Yes they do make those.  I totally saw it in an infomercial.
THEM: No way do they make a dog bark translator.
ME, pulling out iPhone: Wanna bet?
THEM:  Holy shit.
ME:  Told you.
THEM:  I dare you to buy it.
ME:  I totally bought it.

I love a good dare.  When I play Truth or Dare–which doesn’t happen as often in the life of a thirty-something divorcee as you’d hope it would–I always pick dare.  I’ll do just about anything.  It’s ridiculous, and the more drunk I am, the more ridiculous stuff I’ll do.  It’s honestly a miracle I’ve never been arrested for public nudity or trespassing yet.

The WANT is usually a visceral, infantile drive to purchase something because I have to have it. The WANT purchases are usually made when I’m alone, and my inner monologue goes something like this:
ME:  I want that.
ME:  You don’t need it.
ME:  But I want it.
ME:  You can’t afford it.
ME:  But I want it.
ME:  You can’t fill your life with material things.
ME:  Watch me.  Or you.  Whatever.  I’m fucking buying it.

Actual things I’ve bought while drunk:

Not one, but TWO sets of Twilight trading cards. In my defense, the second set was signed by Peter Facinelli, so it’s NORMAL.
NKOTB’s “The Block”. There are no explanations for this one. I didn’t just download it either, I bought the actual damn CD.
I watched this on television in 1985. Twenty five years later and four beers in, I decided I needed perpetual access to it. Ringo Starr is in it. Yeah.
Twilight vehicle window decal. If I’d been drunk when I’d received it, it would probably be on my car right now.
2003 Volvo XC90 on eBay. Fortunately I didn’t meet the Reserve Price, or I’d be wheeling around in this bitch right now.

Things I found in my history that I must have passed out or gotten distracted before I managed to buy them:

Autographed photo of Don Knotts shaking hands with Andy Griffith on the set of “Matlock”. Obviously, I probably should actually own this.
Dog socks with little suspenders to help them stay put. I can’t decide if this is adorable or sad.

Wow. They weren't cheap, either. I think that my low Visa limit gets the credit for me not buying these shoes.


Eclipse trailer: Thoughts. Not all of them nice.

April 23, 2010

Twenty-three seconds of Oprah is too much Oprah.

Either Dakota Fanning needs to lay off the Pall Malls or Skype audio sucks rancid goat balls.

Who the fuck is Joe?  I feel like there is a tech named Mark ready to hit the “go” button on the footage and Dakota just made up a name and now Mark is all pissed because it was supposed to be his turn to shine.

President Obama needs to issue a decree or executive order or whatever to force Taylor Lautner to wear snug black tee shirts all the time.  No exceptions.

I'm joining the Black T-Shirt PAC

I see why the human boys were betting on Jacob in a fight.  Edward looks like he could be taken down by a sick four-year-old girl.

Three thoughts:
2. Carlisle looks like Francis the bully from Pee Wee’s Big Adventure.

"I know you are but what am I?"



Riley.  Fuck yeah.  He looks like he’d be down for more than just a stupid leg hitch.


Those aren’t bears!  Or maybe they are.  They sure don’t look like wolves.

I can see why Angela would get confused.

Angry Edward.  I want this to be the tent scene so BAD.  I want that to be the look on Edward’s face when he sees Jacob’s fantasies about Bella.  But it doesn’t make sense that he’s wearing a tie in a tent, so it’s probably the post-graduation scene when Edward finds out that the newborns belong to Victoria and they’re coming after Bella.  I’m so worried that the tent scene is going to lack passion.  People, I’ve been reading a ton of angsty, filthy fan fiction in the past 18 months–a ton–and I need there to be sexual frustration that I can feel in my front pocket when Jacob, Edward and Bella are in the cold tent.

Edward Cullen, now with more angst.

Wet Riley.  Fuck yeah X 2.

Who knew Inferi could be so hot? Shit, wrong franchise.

Charlie Bewley . . . let me pause here to say that I want to have 17,853 of Charlie Bewley’s babies.

Really?  This is a vampire battle?  I expected something more nuanced than “head on collision”, probably because I, you know, read the books.

Is it in Jackson Rathbone’s contract that he must look like a deranged labradoodle in every trailer?  He does not pull off the crazyface.

It's easy, Jackson. Just pretend you're attacking a member of the Summit wig department.

Okay, that diving/spinning thing is pretty cool.  That’s what I was picturing for a vampire fight.  Is that Alice?

FUGLY RING.  Are those pavé diamonds?  I talked about this months ago on LTT, Slade.  I hope that the “re-shoots” going on in Vancouver right now are these scenes with a better ring.  You went full Stephenie Meyer on us here.  My disappointment–it is palpable.

No, it's not my mother's ring. I picked it up at the Gold & Silver kiosk at the mall.

I hate you as Victoria, Bryce Dallas Howard.  You are not Victoria.  It’s like watching a soap opera where they have a substitute actress while the actual actress is recovering from a herpes outbreak or something: “Today the role of Victoria will be played by Bryce Dallas Howard, who had to get a tan to play a vampire.”

Still hoping this is a practical joke on the fandom.

A lot of this trailer looks like New Moon.  I think we’ve got some recycled footage here with our shirtless Jacob.

The watermark in the lower left makes it look like Taycob has an Oprah tattoo.

Charlie Bewley, looking fuckhot again.  Also, some other people.

I still hate you, BDH.

I always crack up when Robward knocks down a tree or something.  It’s not supposed to be funny, but it totally is.

I stopped watching here.  It was going back to the Oprahfest.

Wait, I lied.  May 13?  Rob is spending his birthday with Oprah?  That makes me feel all sickly wrong inside.

World’s Dirtiest Thesaurus

June 28, 2009

I’ve spent all afternoon writing a wildly pornographic Twilight-based fan fiction story.  Yes, I know it’s Sunday, but my morals and interests are awkwardly juxtaposed.

I never realized in reading erotica how difficult it is to come up with new and interesting words to describe a sex act; the seven dirty words lose much of their value when repeated ad nauseum.  I was boring myself with my own fantasy.

When I’m writing non-porn–which I do fairly often–I have my trusty thesaurus nearby.  Unfortunately, Webster saw fit to skip frustratingly from “pushover” to “put” with nary a mention of the word I was looking for.  Similarly, I was sad to find “coax” immediately followed by “code”, and that “tissue” went straight to “title”.  I had a glimmer of hope when I found “breast” right where it was supposed to be, but it was quickly squelched when the first synonym turned out to be “thorax”.

Edward unbuttoned Bella’s blouse and then gently cupped her thorax in his elegant hand.

That just won’t do, now will it?

Then, Edward’s own words came to me:  You can Google it. And I did.